Another day

I'd like to say today was a better day but I'd be lying.  I'm actually quite good at lying, at least when it concerns how I'm doing.  No one really wants to hear the truth when they ask you how you're doing, they want to hear you say everything is good and move on.  Thats okay though, its the social norm saying all is fine when its really not.  I'm actually glad that no one reads my long abandoned blog at this point so I can actually put the bad stuff out there.  Maybe if I put it all down here I can start to let it go?  No matter, I need to find some way to release a bit of the pressure and this is the best option I have right now.

Today I was doing what I usually do when I get sad enough that I cant keep the mask in place, hiding out in the house and cleaning. Right in the middle of cleaning the toilet in the kids bathroom I suddenly go into what might possibly have been the worst panic attack of my life.  I couldn't breathe, I couldn't stop crying, I got incredibly nauseous and I had no control over any of it at all.  I just thank the good Lord that the older kids were at school and Kaity was downstairs watching her favorite show and eating lunch and didn't see any of it.  Thankfully I was back in control after about 15 minutes but I was exhausted and had to just stop.  Stop and go sit with my daughter and watch Team Umizoomi.  Is this what my life is going to become?  I think the scariest part is that the idea feels a little more comforting that it should.

Long time no post

I originally saw this blog as somewhere to post fun little snippets or random observations interspersed with funny and/or adorable pics of the kids but to be honest, my chaos has gotten so chaotic (and not in the good way) that I just didn't post.  Seriously, who wants to read about crap that's been my existence in the last several months?  So if thats what you're looking for today you probably want to move on the the next blog now...

I am a fixer.  An obsessive compulsive, possibly manic, must-make-sure-everyone-is-happy kind of person that has the best of intentions but always seems to fall on her face before its all said and done.  I am a fixer even if I know the fix is going to end up hurting me in some way.  I try not to give in to the need to be the fixer in some situations, I have the best of intentions and even say out loud "I will not be responsible for this, I can't take on any more right now."  And then I do it anyway.  I am so accustomed to being the fixer that even on those occasions someone does step up and offer to help me I don't know how to accept their help.  I have some wonderful friends in my life who would drop everything and come help me in a heartbeat but I can not make myself ask for help, and when its offered freely I don't know how to accept it because I'm terrified that I will never be able to find some sort of balance in my life that will allow me to be the "go to" friend that you can count on when you need me.  I'm afraid I can never be a good enough friend in return in order to deserve your help, to deserve your friendship.   In the end I always seem to let everyone down because I don't know how to say no to what I cant take on.  In reality, being a fixer really means dancing here and there and back and forth as hard and as fast as you can until you inevitably falter... and fall.  How many times do you fall, pick yourself up, put the mask back on and start dancing again before it becomes too much?  Before you cant get up again, before the mask shatters and you can't put it back on again?  How long before you start to see that being a fixer is a pretty damn stupid thing to try and be.

So today I'm going to stop trying to be the fixer.  No matter how hard I try there will always be someone who will be upset or disappointed or dismissive.  No matter how hard I try I still can't magically be three places at the same time.  No matter how hard I try there will always be someone who decides its not enough, that I should have done more, tried harder, not tried so hard, been there sooner, spent more money, saved more money, cleaned up better, let the cleaning slide so I could do something more important, or less important or just plain different.  Being a fixer is a losing battle.

I had a situation come up today where I inadvertently hurt someone's feelings and I feel awful about that.  It wasn't intentional, I didn't plan on doing that, I just became so overwhelmed that my judgement faltered and the issue slipped between the cracks.  I hate that I am so overwhelmed by everyday life as it is now that I let something that important fall, that I caused pain to another who did not deserve it.  But I also realized that not once has anyone bothered to ask if I am ok.  If I need help.  If I am overwhelmed.  If I am ok.  Because I'm not.  I'm really not ok.  But no one bothered to ask.  This is what being a fixer will get you.