C Day

If the messages my dr left on my voicemail last week are any indication, then today is the day I find out whether or not I have a tumor in my brain.  If I do, then lets just pray its of the benign variety.

Its kinda sad when the only place you can talk about this stuff is on a neglected blog that noone reads.  Oh well, at least its an option.

Wow. Can you say neglected?

Because thats what this blog is.  I'd like to say I'm going to be sooo much better and update it at least once a week from here on out but I'd be lying :)  So lets just say I hope to have more time in the future to spend a little bit here.  Have a great summer everyone!  I'll be home all summer.  At my house.  With my kids.  Possibly sitting in the corner humming and pulling my hair out one strand at a time by August.....

Another random thought... if your personalized license plate is JTZMOMMY, do not under any circumstances put that plate behind an oversized plate cover that makes the T look like an I.  I'm just saying... if I can go there, and I dont generally have a dirty mind, then imagine just how many other people have gone there!

Another day

I'd like to say today was a better day but I'd be lying.  I'm actually quite good at lying, at least when it concerns how I'm doing.  No one really wants to hear the truth when they ask you how you're doing, they want to hear you say everything is good and move on.  Thats okay though, its the social norm saying all is fine when its really not.  I'm actually glad that no one reads my long abandoned blog at this point so I can actually put the bad stuff out there.  Maybe if I put it all down here I can start to let it go?  No matter, I need to find some way to release a bit of the pressure and this is the best option I have right now.

Today I was doing what I usually do when I get sad enough that I cant keep the mask in place, hiding out in the house and cleaning. Right in the middle of cleaning the toilet in the kids bathroom I suddenly go into what might possibly have been the worst panic attack of my life.  I couldn't breathe, I couldn't stop crying, I got incredibly nauseous and I had no control over any of it at all.  I just thank the good Lord that the older kids were at school and Kaity was downstairs watching her favorite show and eating lunch and didn't see any of it.  Thankfully I was back in control after about 15 minutes but I was exhausted and had to just stop.  Stop and go sit with my daughter and watch Team Umizoomi.  Is this what my life is going to become?  I think the scariest part is that the idea feels a little more comforting that it should.

Long time no post

I originally saw this blog as somewhere to post fun little snippets or random observations interspersed with funny and/or adorable pics of the kids but to be honest, my chaos has gotten so chaotic (and not in the good way) that I just didn't post.  Seriously, who wants to read about crap that's been my existence in the last several months?  So if thats what you're looking for today you probably want to move on the the next blog now...

I am a fixer.  An obsessive compulsive, possibly manic, must-make-sure-everyone-is-happy kind of person that has the best of intentions but always seems to fall on her face before its all said and done.  I am a fixer even if I know the fix is going to end up hurting me in some way.  I try not to give in to the need to be the fixer in some situations, I have the best of intentions and even say out loud "I will not be responsible for this, I can't take on any more right now."  And then I do it anyway.  I am so accustomed to being the fixer that even on those occasions someone does step up and offer to help me I don't know how to accept their help.  I have some wonderful friends in my life who would drop everything and come help me in a heartbeat but I can not make myself ask for help, and when its offered freely I don't know how to accept it because I'm terrified that I will never be able to find some sort of balance in my life that will allow me to be the "go to" friend that you can count on when you need me.  I'm afraid I can never be a good enough friend in return in order to deserve your help, to deserve your friendship.   In the end I always seem to let everyone down because I don't know how to say no to what I cant take on.  In reality, being a fixer really means dancing here and there and back and forth as hard and as fast as you can until you inevitably falter... and fall.  How many times do you fall, pick yourself up, put the mask back on and start dancing again before it becomes too much?  Before you cant get up again, before the mask shatters and you can't put it back on again?  How long before you start to see that being a fixer is a pretty damn stupid thing to try and be.

So today I'm going to stop trying to be the fixer.  No matter how hard I try there will always be someone who will be upset or disappointed or dismissive.  No matter how hard I try I still can't magically be three places at the same time.  No matter how hard I try there will always be someone who decides its not enough, that I should have done more, tried harder, not tried so hard, been there sooner, spent more money, saved more money, cleaned up better, let the cleaning slide so I could do something more important, or less important or just plain different.  Being a fixer is a losing battle.

I had a situation come up today where I inadvertently hurt someone's feelings and I feel awful about that.  It wasn't intentional, I didn't plan on doing that, I just became so overwhelmed that my judgement faltered and the issue slipped between the cracks.  I hate that I am so overwhelmed by everyday life as it is now that I let something that important fall, that I caused pain to another who did not deserve it.  But I also realized that not once has anyone bothered to ask if I am ok.  If I need help.  If I am overwhelmed.  If I am ok.  Because I'm not.  I'm really not ok.  But no one bothered to ask.  This is what being a fixer will get you.

What is it about those characters?

When it comes to my kids and their bedrooms, I've always wanted something "special" for them starting with the nursery.  The one thing I did NOT want when they graduated to "big kid" rooms is anything even remotely resembling a character theme.  When Ryan graduated from the nursery to his first big kid room he was absolutely fascinated with all things airplane related so we chose appropriate paint colors, wainscoting and linens that were suitably non-character but fit into the color scheme.  The "theme" was carried predominantly with a cute little wallpaper border, a throw pillow and a couple of small prints for the walls.  It was great except for the clouds I painted on the walls but that's a whole other story to be told another day.

Then came the day when we found out we had another baby on the way and it was time to do another nursery and of course, being me,  I wanted a new kind of special.  Thank goodness we had a girl so I had a great excuse!  I spent so much time perusing Internet websites and catalogs that the poor child was here before her nursery was put together!  Daddy and Nana were painting white bead board and bubblegum pink walls while I snuggled the baby on the couch downstairs and worried excessively about the paint fumes.  It turned out beautiful and our accent on that room was the carousel horses.  We never found enough accessories to really pull that off and before we knew it, yet another girl was on the way.  She didn't fare so well since she got the existing nursery with the carousel horses gone and the fairies installed but again that's a whole other story.  So on to Marielle's big kid room, my vision realized in cherry furniture, sage and mauve wall colors, shabby chic linens and lace curtains.

Everyone was so happy with their rooms and then Kaitlyn outgrew both her crib and her toddler bed.  She was adamant about her big kid room however, unlike the other two who really had no choice.  I was fine with fairies, I already have a "theme" of fairies and planned on just evolving that into a more mature look.  Kaitlyn however had a completely different idea and was successful in wearing me down to get her Tinkerbell Room. "Anything to get her to sleep in her bed instead of mine" I thought as I dropped the items in the shopping cart. I had NO idea of the nuclear explosion of outrage I was about to unleash at home.  I had NO idea that characters were so important.  Today, I as I was doing laundry, I realized I'm a full fledged convert as I put Tinkerbell sheets in the washer alongside the new Hannah Montana set that Marielle just had to have and wondered whether or not the Transformers comforter would fit in the washer at all.  They are so much happier to climb into bed now... except for Kaitlyn.  She still prefers the 1000 thread count sheets on Mommy and Daddy's bed but still grins ear to ear as she helps me make her Tinkerbell bed every morning.

Nothing really interesting to post today...

So I'll just add a cute pic :)  You can see who was and who was not happy about the first day of school!