I'd like to say today was a better day but I'd be lying. I'm actually quite good at lying, at least when it concerns how I'm doing. No one really wants to hear the truth when they ask you how you're doing, they want to hear you say everything is good and move on. Thats okay though, its the social norm saying all is fine when its really not. I'm actually glad that no one reads my long abandoned blog at this point so I can actually put the bad stuff out there. Maybe if I put it all down here I can start to let it go? No matter, I need to find some way to release a bit of the pressure and this is the best option I have right now.
Today I was doing what I usually do when I get sad enough that I cant keep the mask in place, hiding out in the house and cleaning. Right in the middle of cleaning the toilet in the kids bathroom I suddenly go into what might possibly have been the worst panic attack of my life. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't stop crying, I got incredibly nauseous and I had no control over any of it at all. I just thank the good Lord that the older kids were at school and Kaity was downstairs watching her favorite show and eating lunch and didn't see any of it. Thankfully I was back in control after about 15 minutes but I was exhausted and had to just stop. Stop and go sit with my daughter and watch Team Umizoomi. Is this what my life is going to become? I think the scariest part is that the idea feels a little more comforting that it should.
Oh my friend, we are so in the same boat, just couple days ago I had about the same thing happened to me, except I was in front of my 19 month old baby boy and he just hugged me so tight as I cried hysterically:( Today I went to a playdate and I really enjoyed it. For the whole hour I was there, I was happy and didn't think for a second about how hopeless I feel in my life right now. HUGS:)
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